Should is a Four Letter Word

Consider the various ways in which you utilize the word ‘Should’ in your everyday conversations and internal dialogues. For instance, you might find yourself saying, “I should have remembered that.” This phrase implies a sense of regret or disappointment in your own memory. Similarly, when you express, “You shouldn’t have done that!” it reflects a judgment on someone else’s actions, often laden with frustration or disapproval. Another common example is, “I should be nicer/cleaner/prettier,” which reveals an inner critique of oneself, highlighting perceived shortcomings.

If you take a moment to reflect on these statements, a clear theme emerges: they are all inherently negative and judgmental in nature. These types of statements permeate our daily lives, often without our conscious awareness. The underlying issue with ‘should’ statements is that they serve no constructive purpose other than to evoke feelings of guilt and self-reproach. When we engage in this kind of self-talk, we often find ourselves grappling with emotions such as guilt, depression, anger, shame, or embarrassment. Rather than serving as a roadmap for change or self-improvement, these statements merely express a desire for circumstances to be different from how they currently are. However, since reality does not align with these desires, the result is often a cycle of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

The problem is that we are basically arguing with reality.  Who do you think is going to win?   Reality wins every time.  As my husband likes to say, “It is what it is.”  Meaning that you cannot change reality, and if you try, you will only end up hurting yourself.  It is crucial to recognize that while the present is fixed, it does not preclude the possibility of change moving forward. For example, consider the statement, “There should be world peace.” While it is a sentiment that most people can agree upon in theory, the stark reality is that world peace is not currently possible. When I say or even think this statement, it often triggers feelings of sadness, remorse, disappointment, or a similar emotional response. Now, I am not suggesting that such statements will necessarily lead to tears or overwhelming despair. However, when you accumulate a significant number of these ‘should’ statements throughout your day, it becomes evident that they contribute to a general sense of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Now, take a moment to think about your own usage of ‘should’ statements. How many of these negative phrases do you use in a single day? Perhaps it’s twenty, or maybe even fifty. When you extend that to a week, the total could easily reach a couple of hundred instances. Now, envision the transformative power of replacing those negative statements with positive affirmations. Rather than saying, “I should have remembered that,” consider reframing it to something like, “Oops, guess I’m not perfect. No big deal.” While changing one statement may not yield immediate results, consistently altering a hundred or more statements over the course of a week could significantly enhance your mood and overall outlook on life.

Eliminating ‘should’ from your vocabulary may appear to be a straightforward task, yet it often proves to be more challenging than anticipated. It can be likened to the effort required to eliminate all curse words from your speech. In fact, I would argue that “should” ranks as one of the most damaging words in the English language. I often tell my clients, “Feel free to drop the F-bomb and swear like a sailor, but just steer clear of the word ‘should.’” No other word has the potential to inflict as much emotional distress as ‘should.’ This sentiment also extends to similar terms such as ‘ought,’ ‘must,’ and ‘supposed.’

To help you become more aware of your language, consider implementing a ‘should jar’ in your household. Whenever anyone utters the word ‘should,’ they contribute a dollar to the jar. This method serves as a tangible reminder of how often we engage in this type of negative self-talk. Once you catch yourself making a ‘should’ statement, take a moment to pause and rephrase it into a more positive, non-judgmental statement. Remember that change is a gradual process that requires both time and effort. Be patient with yourself as you embark on this journey. After all, you have been practicing ‘should’ statements for your entire life, so it’s only natural that retraining your thought patterns will take some time. Embrace the challenge, and you may find that this shift in perspective leads to a more positive and fulfilling life.

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